No energy left of a witty title

I've been fired from my job. There I've said it, and gotten it out of the way. After two years of breaking my back, and working myself half to death I was 'let go'. I knew this was comming, I know I shouldn't be surprised and hurt, but I am. They've made it obvious for months now that they wanted me to quit, especially since my friend Todd left for a new job.

I think its starting to sound cliche, but this couldn't have happened at a worse time. I know I didn't want to stay there much longer, and I had a few irons in the fire to try and get things moving. I needed some extra money,and I needed to get caught up on my college loan payments. Now what little money I have left has to go towards keeping my loans going for another month, and anything I might have thought about doing for my own future is trashed.

My life is seriously feeling like one long Bugs Bunny cartoon. The one where Elmer Fudd falls down the stairs, and you hear him falling for like 2 stories, then he stops and you think, oh good he's safe, just before he starts falling again. I know I've made a lot of poor choices in my life. I'd be a fool and a liar if I said otherwise, but it feels like not only am I not allowed to make up for those mistakes, I'm never allowed to change anything either. I just continue to fall head over heels down flight after flight of stairs never truly hitting the bottom. Just slowly loosing the few remaining things that still bring me a smidge of happiness.

On Monday I'll start looking for work in ernest, but I don't really know how much good its going to do. I've already been looking for over 6 months without anything but false hope and dead ends. I can't bear the thought of being unemployed again. There's so much more I want to say, but I've already stared at this blank page for 2 hours trying to say them, and I don't want to burn people out on my misery.

Hectic

Well here I've gone and neglected posting again. Well, actually its not my fault. I used to spend an 8 hour shift at work slowly composing one paragraph blog entry in the few seconds of spare time I had through the day, mainly as an exercise to keep my brain flexible, but they've cut off access to blogger at work now (Probably to many nasty complaints about how things are run). So now I can only write at home, and as the title of this suggests, things have been hectic.

Its not as if I'm working more hours or anything, but things at home seem to have taken on a special urgency as of late. It feels like everyones trying to cram as much stuff as possible into these weeks, perhaps hoping to gorge themselves on people they may not see for a long time. I really wore myself ragged last week trying to stay on top of it all, and I'm still pretty burned out this week. In away its good, because I haven't had time to dwell on the things that have been driving me nuts. It also has a bad side unfortunatly. I've been letting myself slip back into complacency, and I can not allow myself to do that. It is a luxury I no longer have if I'm serious about things. Still I'm going to enjoy the hell out of folks while they're still around, I just can't forget to do the things I need to do.

I'll try and remember to write something tomorrow because there is a lot I want to talk about that I've just sort of let slip with all the stuff going on around here.

Oh where is my wallet?

Long story short, the suit coat I wore to Saturday's party, and thus my wallet, are missing. I spent 3 hours yesterday tearing my house and yard apart looking for them. I'm a little calmer about it today than I was yesterday, but I desperately need them back. Not only are my license and credit cards in there, but I've got some personal information that I don't want to lose, not to mention some business cards of folks I need to talk to about possible jobs. I really don't want to think that someone deliberately took it. I hope someone just grabbed it accidentally with their towel, or that I dropped it under some pile of junk, but this has 100% screwed me over one way or another.

The last time I remember having it for sure is when I took Sara home to pick up her swim suit. I placed it along the floor boards behind the driver's side seat (I'm still holding out some hope that she just missed it when she checked her car). I know I moved it to a chair in the garage when I helped set up the TV and Wii for Dwight, but Sara I spent so many hours running around and I kind of lost track of what happened when.

If you remember where my coat was (or know for a fact where it was at a specific time), saw someone move it, or even by some remote chance happened to have picked it up by accident, please tell me. I really don't want to spend my next several days off trying to replace all the stuff that was in my wallet.

***UPDATE****
My wallet and suit coat finally showed up. Thank you so much Sara :). It was in the back seat of her car after all.

Take That Causality!

Oooh... A lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-my-own-grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already. Screw history!
- Professor Farnsworth

What to say? I've wanted to post and keep up with this blog, but a lot of the things that are going on presently are intensely personal, more so than I'd care to share on a blog that no one reads but me. Things that are hard to put into words, let alone talk about. So I'll be brief, and I'll be vague, and if anyone feels like talking about it in private with me, well than do so.

There are certain people who have done some things in the last couple of weeks that have hurt me immensely. There are some folks who have gone out of their way to help me. There are certain people who continue to confuse and amaze me greatly. There are people who have lied their face off to me. There are some people who have been nothing but honest with me, but still have only succeeded in muddling the water. There are some people that I feel I'm losing touch with, despite my best efforts not to. There are other folks who I wish would just leave me alone. Some of this stuff is my fault, some of it isn't, and a lot of it is utterly beyond my control.

Life these last couple of weeks has been almost utterly contradictory, and confusing. Despite that, however, its also had some of the most amazing moments I've experienced in a long time. I've gone from being completely depressed out of my mind, to laughing my ass off hours later. That said, in my heart I know things can't last forever. I can only continue to do try and accomplish the things I want to do this summer and hope that in the end its enough.