....of comming home.

I'll make another post about the rest of my camping trip later, as I had a really good time. I have a lot to just talk about, however, right now I just want to talk about today (Sunday).

I really did not want to go home today. I knew the dreaded Loth DTs would set back in. Early on I thought about just taking off as soon as possible, hoping to make it easier on myself later, but for a lot of reasons decided to stay for a bit longer. I almost talked myself into staying an extra night, but I decided that Mel and Val probably would prefer the alone time, and I really wasn't to keen on the idea of spending the night by myself with just my thoughts. So despite my efforts the Loth DT's eventually caught up with me. The thought of coming back home, and dealing with the mess I've left here, and the myriad of crap thats been keeping me awake for the last month really weighed down on my heart. I didn't have a single night of insomnia the entire time there. It was so good to just slide into bed, and fall right asleep without your brain keeping you awake for hours with nagging doubts, what-ifs, and questions about your future.

I worked through a lot of the weight thats been hanging around me while I was down there, especially a lot of the stuff relating to Jen, but there's still a lot on my shoulders. Whether or not I'm making the right choice. Whether I should consider other options. Whether I'm wasting my time trying as hard as I am. Whether I'll even be able to pass this stupid ARMs test, or whether they'll just go tell me to jump in a lake. There's still a lot of self-doubt around my neck, and despite the healing power of Loth for many things, thats not something that can be cleaned up by simple meditation. It was nice not to have to worry about any of that crap while I was down there, and to just be able to be myself again, but I know now that I'm back that I have to deal with it all one way or another.

So I enjoyed my last moments in the woods, and leaving was bitter sweet for, again, a lot of reasons. I actually, almost cried. I don't know if, and when I'll be able to go back, and that's something else that really weighed me down as I pulled through the gates. I had such a wonderful time this year that I don't want to even contemplate that this could be the last time I get to go for a loooooong time. I'm fairly greatful I was so tired on the drive back. It didn't give my brain much of a chance to think about that, and I pulled into my house around 10:30, tired but still very happy for all the things that happened while at Loth.

I went to end a good but tiring day in the garage by watching some Duck Tales (hey I can't help it its part of my childhood), and put myself to sleep on my comfortable leather couch. No sooner had I opened the door than something launched itself at me hissing and screaming. Having no idea what the hell was going on, and unable to see anything since it was midnight and dark, I charged forward screaming, only to scare the living day lights out of a scrawny cat. He'd apparently figured out a way into the garage, and had been using my loft as a toilet. Not the whole loft mind you, mostly my very nice couch. Thankfully most of the damage is confined to the bed spread I covered the couch in, but its still pretty bad. I can't even work up there to clean it up right now. The whole area is so covered in cat my allergies went hay wire shortly after walking in the door. I chased the cat downstairs where he hid in a pile of machinery.

I really wish I hadn't gone up there as it's puts such a sour note on what was a pretty good day, and an amazingly relaxing weekend. I suppose just like unpacking, the cat and its mess will have to wait until tomorrow, and a huge shot of Claritin and Benadryl. *sigh* Getting back to the real world truly sucks.