And now for something completly different.

"It's not stupid.....it's advanced!"
- The Almighty Tallest

Well for everyone who did not know, or is just now finding out, I enlisted in the U.S. Army as of 31st of October, at the rank of Specialist. I'm in for a 6 year stint as a 25B, Information Systems Operator and Analyst. Basically its exactly what I've been doing in the civilian world, but the DoD is going to pay for my certifications, and eventual masters degree.

I joined up for a lot of reasons. Free healthcare, dental, the enlistment bonus, but mostly I felt I just wasn't able to get ahead in my life. All the jobs I wanted just kept telling me, "Sorry kid you've got the training and degree we want, you just don't have the experience.". I was tired of crappy job after crappy job hanging on hoping that eventually I'd be able to land that one job that finally propelled me forward rather than holding me down, and so I finally broke down and did something I knew would propel me forward, but at a great personal cost.

Its definatly been a rough, bumpy ride so far, and I'm still not sure if I made the right choice. Things are far from what I was promised, and the personal cost has been greater than I expected. I know had I been better informed I could have gotten a far better deal, but you take the cards you were dealt, you move forward, and you see where life brings you.

Basic training was, as most people who are being honest will tell you, very difficult. I did my training at Ft. Benning Georgia, home of the infantry. My platoon's grand total at the end of training was 2 dead (One heart attack, one of 'natural causes'), 3 mental cases, 1 medical discharge, 1 private get shot, and an unknown of UCMJ restarts (a lot of people got restarted on the last day). On the plus side, I lost 50lbs, can now run 2 miles in under 15 minutes, have a PT test score of around 215 (I'm trying for 250), and have a whole host of very amusing stories.

I graduated basic training on Febuary 7th, and got shipped out to AIT at Fort Gordon Georgia the following day. Since than I've basically been getting settled into this new place, learning the rules, and mostly trying to keep my head down. With a last name like Krygsheld however, it hasn't been easy (I now have the clever nickname of Special K, thanks to my Sergeants ;)). To sum up AIT, its better than I'd feared, but not as great as I hoped. We are still not allowed many privillages here, but for the most part there aren't any people yelling at you 24 hours a day. I wish I could tell you when I'd be able to get out of here, but unfortunatly the army is presently so backed up at Ft. Gordon on training that I might not be getting out of here until November instead of July as initially promised.

I promise I'll try and post more later, for now I'm kind of limited by the time left on this stupid machine (7 dollar an hour for internet, Wheee!!!), so I'll get into more details, and crazy stories from basic and AIT later. For now know that I still miss you guys like crazy, and I hope to get to talk to you all soon.

The Cat In the Loft

So I took a big shot of Claritin after everyone went to bed, and checked out the damage in the loft just now, and it's pretty bad. While most of the damage to the couch was contained by the bed spread that was on top of it, the cat still managed to piss all over it, and it absolutely reeks. There's not much I can do with leather. There's a lot of new and stinky spots on the carpeting as well, and I'll have to try some of the carpet cleaner I've got left over and see if they will do any good. My computer doesn't seem to be functioning properly either. It turns on but won't boot. Mel said she thought she smelled something burnt behind the TV earlier so I checked it out as well and almost gagged. It's not burned, it's cat piss. It pissed directly into the innards of my 37" TV. While the TV still turns on, I can't seem to get any picture on it. It seems that my big screen monitor is now toast. I'll try fiddling with it later when I can actually stand to be up there for more then 10 minutes (thats all I could manage even with drugs before I started weezing), but it doesn't look good.

As foolish as it sounds (and is) it feels like someone delibrately targeted my favorite belongings and wrecked them. I'd love to wring someones neck over this, but its just a cat, and how can I get angry at it. It won't do a shred of good. So here I am, minus my big screen TV, possibly minus my computer, and a couch I saved forever to buy smelling like cat piss. I can't afford to replace anything so I'm just totally screwed. I can't blame anyone, and I can't get mad at anyone, I just have to suck it up, but its certainly made the Lothlorien DT's a lot worse.

Finally it just feels eerily symbolic that the TV would die now of all times. I left for camping feeling like I was loosing the best group of friends I've ever had. With everyone graduating college this year, and looking towards moving on with their own lives I felt like this was really the last time we'd all be together. I've noticed we've all started to grow apart in the last several months, and with the things that are going on in my own life I just have this horrible feeling this was the last time I'd see everyone. To come home than, and find the object that the group took as its namesake destroyed just feels very off putting.

....of comming home.

I'll make another post about the rest of my camping trip later, as I had a really good time. I have a lot to just talk about, however, right now I just want to talk about today (Sunday).

I really did not want to go home today. I knew the dreaded Loth DTs would set back in. Early on I thought about just taking off as soon as possible, hoping to make it easier on myself later, but for a lot of reasons decided to stay for a bit longer. I almost talked myself into staying an extra night, but I decided that Mel and Val probably would prefer the alone time, and I really wasn't to keen on the idea of spending the night by myself with just my thoughts. So despite my efforts the Loth DT's eventually caught up with me. The thought of coming back home, and dealing with the mess I've left here, and the myriad of crap thats been keeping me awake for the last month really weighed down on my heart. I didn't have a single night of insomnia the entire time there. It was so good to just slide into bed, and fall right asleep without your brain keeping you awake for hours with nagging doubts, what-ifs, and questions about your future.

I worked through a lot of the weight thats been hanging around me while I was down there, especially a lot of the stuff relating to Jen, but there's still a lot on my shoulders. Whether or not I'm making the right choice. Whether I should consider other options. Whether I'm wasting my time trying as hard as I am. Whether I'll even be able to pass this stupid ARMs test, or whether they'll just go tell me to jump in a lake. There's still a lot of self-doubt around my neck, and despite the healing power of Loth for many things, thats not something that can be cleaned up by simple meditation. It was nice not to have to worry about any of that crap while I was down there, and to just be able to be myself again, but I know now that I'm back that I have to deal with it all one way or another.

So I enjoyed my last moments in the woods, and leaving was bitter sweet for, again, a lot of reasons. I actually, almost cried. I don't know if, and when I'll be able to go back, and that's something else that really weighed me down as I pulled through the gates. I had such a wonderful time this year that I don't want to even contemplate that this could be the last time I get to go for a loooooong time. I'm fairly greatful I was so tired on the drive back. It didn't give my brain much of a chance to think about that, and I pulled into my house around 10:30, tired but still very happy for all the things that happened while at Loth.

I went to end a good but tiring day in the garage by watching some Duck Tales (hey I can't help it its part of my childhood), and put myself to sleep on my comfortable leather couch. No sooner had I opened the door than something launched itself at me hissing and screaming. Having no idea what the hell was going on, and unable to see anything since it was midnight and dark, I charged forward screaming, only to scare the living day lights out of a scrawny cat. He'd apparently figured out a way into the garage, and had been using my loft as a toilet. Not the whole loft mind you, mostly my very nice couch. Thankfully most of the damage is confined to the bed spread I covered the couch in, but its still pretty bad. I can't even work up there to clean it up right now. The whole area is so covered in cat my allergies went hay wire shortly after walking in the door. I chased the cat downstairs where he hid in a pile of machinery.

I really wish I hadn't gone up there as it's puts such a sour note on what was a pretty good day, and an amazingly relaxing weekend. I suppose just like unpacking, the cat and its mess will have to wait until tomorrow, and a huge shot of Claritin and Benadryl. *sigh* Getting back to the real world truly sucks.

The Soundtrack to Your Life

I did this along time ago on Myspace, and decided to redo it today. What you do is open your music player on your computer, randomize it, and go through each question, putting in a new song for each answer to generate the soundtrack to your life. The last time I did it, it was a little more profound than this one, but I think I still got a pretty good Soundtrack. How's yours?

Your Life: The Soundtrack
Opening credits:	Lightning Crashes - Live
Waking up:	Sympathy For the Devil - The Rolling Stones
Average day:	Stomp Box - They Might Be Giants
First date:	Hush - Squirrel Nut Zippers
Falling in love:	Psychobilly Freakout - The Reverend Horton Heat
Love scene:	El Mariachi - Gypsy Kings
Fight scene:	Every Dog Has His Day - Flogging Molly
Breaking up:	You Won't See Me - The Beatles
Getting back together:	Blush - Razed in Black
Secret love:	Pretty When You Cry - Vast
Life's okay:	Carry On My Wayward Son - Kansas
Mental breakdown:	Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones
Driving:	Speed - Covenant
Learning a lesson:	Dance Hall - Modest Mouse
Deep thought:	Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Flashback:	The Only Living Boy in New York - Simon and Garfunkel
Partying:	Down With the Ship - Enter the Haggis
Happy dance:	Life In A Glass House - Radiohead
Regreting:	Diane - Guster
Long night alone:	Blue Moon - Billie Holiday
Death scene:	Honey - Moby
Closing credits:	Numb - Disturbed
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Flower Vases

Why is it that every time I think someone is going to change they don't? Am I just a complete idiot for thinking that maybe this time things are going to be different? Maybe this time they're is some meaning and feeling behind the words they say to me. I must be, because I just fall for it time and time again.

I tried living with a one strike and you're out policy. Trust everyone until they lie, or hurt you once, and then kick them to the curb. I just couldn't do it after awhile. It got to be to much, and I knew how hypocritical I was being. Yet now I keep putting my trust into people who let me down over and over again. Where do you draw the line? How do you determine whether you're upset because someone isn't acting like you'd like them to act, or because they broke your trust? Is it your fault for believing them when you know you shouldn't have, or is it there's?

No energy left of a witty title

I've been fired from my job. There I've said it, and gotten it out of the way. After two years of breaking my back, and working myself half to death I was 'let go'. I knew this was comming, I know I shouldn't be surprised and hurt, but I am. They've made it obvious for months now that they wanted me to quit, especially since my friend Todd left for a new job.

I think its starting to sound cliche, but this couldn't have happened at a worse time. I know I didn't want to stay there much longer, and I had a few irons in the fire to try and get things moving. I needed some extra money,and I needed to get caught up on my college loan payments. Now what little money I have left has to go towards keeping my loans going for another month, and anything I might have thought about doing for my own future is trashed.

My life is seriously feeling like one long Bugs Bunny cartoon. The one where Elmer Fudd falls down the stairs, and you hear him falling for like 2 stories, then he stops and you think, oh good he's safe, just before he starts falling again. I know I've made a lot of poor choices in my life. I'd be a fool and a liar if I said otherwise, but it feels like not only am I not allowed to make up for those mistakes, I'm never allowed to change anything either. I just continue to fall head over heels down flight after flight of stairs never truly hitting the bottom. Just slowly loosing the few remaining things that still bring me a smidge of happiness.

On Monday I'll start looking for work in ernest, but I don't really know how much good its going to do. I've already been looking for over 6 months without anything but false hope and dead ends. I can't bear the thought of being unemployed again. There's so much more I want to say, but I've already stared at this blank page for 2 hours trying to say them, and I don't want to burn people out on my misery.

Hectic

Well here I've gone and neglected posting again. Well, actually its not my fault. I used to spend an 8 hour shift at work slowly composing one paragraph blog entry in the few seconds of spare time I had through the day, mainly as an exercise to keep my brain flexible, but they've cut off access to blogger at work now (Probably to many nasty complaints about how things are run). So now I can only write at home, and as the title of this suggests, things have been hectic.

Its not as if I'm working more hours or anything, but things at home seem to have taken on a special urgency as of late. It feels like everyones trying to cram as much stuff as possible into these weeks, perhaps hoping to gorge themselves on people they may not see for a long time. I really wore myself ragged last week trying to stay on top of it all, and I'm still pretty burned out this week. In away its good, because I haven't had time to dwell on the things that have been driving me nuts. It also has a bad side unfortunatly. I've been letting myself slip back into complacency, and I can not allow myself to do that. It is a luxury I no longer have if I'm serious about things. Still I'm going to enjoy the hell out of folks while they're still around, I just can't forget to do the things I need to do.

I'll try and remember to write something tomorrow because there is a lot I want to talk about that I've just sort of let slip with all the stuff going on around here.

Oh where is my wallet?

Long story short, the suit coat I wore to Saturday's party, and thus my wallet, are missing. I spent 3 hours yesterday tearing my house and yard apart looking for them. I'm a little calmer about it today than I was yesterday, but I desperately need them back. Not only are my license and credit cards in there, but I've got some personal information that I don't want to lose, not to mention some business cards of folks I need to talk to about possible jobs. I really don't want to think that someone deliberately took it. I hope someone just grabbed it accidentally with their towel, or that I dropped it under some pile of junk, but this has 100% screwed me over one way or another.

The last time I remember having it for sure is when I took Sara home to pick up her swim suit. I placed it along the floor boards behind the driver's side seat (I'm still holding out some hope that she just missed it when she checked her car). I know I moved it to a chair in the garage when I helped set up the TV and Wii for Dwight, but Sara I spent so many hours running around and I kind of lost track of what happened when.

If you remember where my coat was (or know for a fact where it was at a specific time), saw someone move it, or even by some remote chance happened to have picked it up by accident, please tell me. I really don't want to spend my next several days off trying to replace all the stuff that was in my wallet.

***UPDATE****
My wallet and suit coat finally showed up. Thank you so much Sara :). It was in the back seat of her car after all.

Take That Causality!

Oooh... A lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-my-own-grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already. Screw history!
- Professor Farnsworth

What to say? I've wanted to post and keep up with this blog, but a lot of the things that are going on presently are intensely personal, more so than I'd care to share on a blog that no one reads but me. Things that are hard to put into words, let alone talk about. So I'll be brief, and I'll be vague, and if anyone feels like talking about it in private with me, well than do so.

There are certain people who have done some things in the last couple of weeks that have hurt me immensely. There are some folks who have gone out of their way to help me. There are certain people who continue to confuse and amaze me greatly. There are people who have lied their face off to me. There are some people who have been nothing but honest with me, but still have only succeeded in muddling the water. There are some people that I feel I'm losing touch with, despite my best efforts not to. There are other folks who I wish would just leave me alone. Some of this stuff is my fault, some of it isn't, and a lot of it is utterly beyond my control.

Life these last couple of weeks has been almost utterly contradictory, and confusing. Despite that, however, its also had some of the most amazing moments I've experienced in a long time. I've gone from being completely depressed out of my mind, to laughing my ass off hours later. That said, in my heart I know things can't last forever. I can only continue to do try and accomplish the things I want to do this summer and hope that in the end its enough.